Gentle Self-Observation: Cultivating Equanimity in Daily Life

{ Helvetica; **Speaker A**: Hey, everyone. Margaret Meloni here. Just jumping in. No formal intro. Welcome to the Death Dhamma podcast. And let's take a look at equanimity and how it interacts with Metta and Karuna and Mudita, or how it might be more accessible for us during the course of our day, depending on what is happening and how we are observing it and how we perceive ourselves to be located in a specific situation. Right. And I'm doing this because last time we, you know, focused more on equanimity within the context of the Brahmavahras and ended by talking about how equanimity pervades the others so it's not superior to the others, even though we might call it like the crown.

But that, again, without reminder. Right. Equanimity allows me to feel loving kindness without going overboard, or it allows me to feel Karuna without having compassion fatigue. Right. It allows me to feel sympathetic joy without, you know, going overboard with my excitement and joy for you. And it is what allows us to, one week perhaps feel happy because something great has happened for a friend, but understand that the next week, that same friend might need our compassion. Right? So let's take a look at something.

Okay? You're driving to work, and by the side of the road, you see someone who is broken down, their car is broken down by the side of the road, and they are not going to be able to move forward. And you see that and you feel for them, and you look and you think, oh, I'm so sorry. That looks really difficult. That's probably gonna be expensive. That's not a great way to start the day. I'm sorry. That's how that person is starting their day. And that's you, you know, feeling some compassion. And if we wanted to really make that compassion, then maybe you would do something like call a tow truck for them or stop and check on them.

Right? Because, you know, compassion does also involve action. But as you drive by them, you. You think, well, I hope something. I hope things go better for them, or I hope help arrive soon, or I hope it's not as bad as it looks. And that could be you sending them some kind of loving kindness. And in this situation, I would say, you know, sympathetic joy is probably not really called for unless you see the help arriving and then you feel great for them that help has arrived. Okay? Now, in that situation, it's someone you don't know, and it's possibly easier for you to come from a place of balance.

You're not overwrought by the Fact that this has happened to them, you're just thinking, this is too bad. I'm sorry this has happened to them. I hope things go better for them. I wish them well. Great. Now, further down the road, on the side of the road, there's going to be a lot of people on the side of the road today. Well, at least three people on the side of the road in our discussion today. And the next person you see by the side of the road is your neighbor. And you like this neighbor. And you feel badly that there they are by the side of the road.

And because they're your neighbor, you're probably not going to just wave and pass by. You might, but you might not, because maybe you would want them to stop for you. And so possibly you pull over and you check on your neighbor and to find out what is wrong. And if you can offer a ride or offer some kind of assistance, and it bothers you more to see your neighbor by the side of the road than it does for you to see a stranger by the side of the road, okay? And you wrap up your time with them and you hope everything goes well.

And maybe you check back with them at the end of the day when you're both back in the neighborhood, right? So that's you showing loving kindness and you stopped and you offered help, and that was you offering compassion. And it was a little harder maybe for you to feel balanced about this. Perhaps it stuck with you. Perhaps it stuck with you as you went through your day and you thought, oh, I feel badly for them. And I know they just spent a lot of money on some repairs for their house, and I know they have a child in college, right?

So you may spend more time on this and you may feel it more deeply or not. If you don't feel it more deeply, then, you know, perhaps you're already in this space of equanimity. So when I say you don't feel it more deeply, again, I'm not talking about being cold or unfeeling. I just mean you're able to observe at your neighbor and you help as you can and you go on your way and it doesn't shape the tone of the rest of your day. Okay? But now you. So you get in your car and you continue driving because like I said, there's going to be three.

It's like A Christmas Carol. Can't get away from some of my Christian roots. Right? The Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol. There's three ghosts. So in this story, there's three people by the side of the road. Now, the third one is your best friend. And there is your best friend by the side of the road, car broken down, obviously in bad shape. You see that your friend is distraught, perhaps even crying, and you pull over and you run and give your best friend a hug and you find out what has happened, and perhaps you even cry.

And you do try to find a way to help your best friend through this situation. And ultimately you give the help that can be given and you go along for the rest of your day. But now, this time, this really stays with you. I mean, you do wish them the best in this situation and you're going to follow up with them. So you do send some loving kindness for them. But throughout the day, you keep thinking, oh, my gosh, why did that have to happen? Why did that have to happen to that friend? I know this friend is going through family difficulties.

I know this family is going through financial difficulties. I know this person believes they're on the verge of being laid off. And so you're feeling a lot more, I'll say, up and down about the situation, because when this situation is closer to you and this third person is closer to you, it could be more difficult, most likely, for many of us to have equanimity, to have that balance, to be able to look and say, this is what has happened. This person's car has broken down. I don't want them to have difficulty because the car has broken down.

And I hope things go better for them. But you have more attachment to that situation. And part of the reason that you have more attachment to that situation does tie. You know, we spoke last time about perceiving things as self. So when we can look at something and not have not self. This is not me, this is not mine. But look at how I presented this. I said, your best friend, right? So you're thinking, my best friend. This is my best friend by the side of the road in trouble. And I'm not saying don't have a best friend.

I'm not saying don't have feelings of love for the best friend. I'm just pointing out that it is more difficult to come to this situation with equanimity and balance because you have deeper feelings for this person. And this is just me sharing with you some thoughts on how we can work to use not self, and this is not mine. And, you know, working on not being attached to really be able to foster equanimity. And throughout our day, throughout your week, your month, your year, your lifetime, there are going to be situations where it's going to be easier to foster equanimity, right?

So going back to that first person that you saw by the side of the road that you, you didn't know that person, look at how that allowed you to feel the meta fill the compassion and have that place of equanimity. And look at that as an example, again, not of being just, you know, not detachment in the negative sense, but as a positive example that you can have equanimity and you can practice it and pay attention throughout again, your day, your week, your month, your year, your lifetime of where you have been practicing equanimity and, you know, give yourself credit and work to have more of that.

You've been listening to the Death Dhamma podcast with your host, Margaret Maloney. Thank you so much for being here. Come find me on margaretmaloni.com M A R G A R E T M E l o n I.com and until we meet again, may you be well, may you be happy, may you be at ease, and may you be free from suffering. Bye for now.

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